I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
