I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
