I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
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So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
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Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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