i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize