I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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