This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept