He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
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