Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I will be naked everywhere
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER