Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"