Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
zippers are such a cool invention
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10