So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.