Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
