the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
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Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
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We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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