a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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