Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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