I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
When did angry sex become our thing?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
