the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
