The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
