Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
