Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
