There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
