last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
