not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
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I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
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If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
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