Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
