Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
