when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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