Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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