I met the friendliest cop last night
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
