Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
