I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
