I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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