I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
