One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
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Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
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my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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