You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
