god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
