Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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