Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
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The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
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Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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