Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
