and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Less talking, more tequila
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
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