i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
