You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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