I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
