I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Let's get the cat blown out
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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