Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
