$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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