Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
