So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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