fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
