plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
