I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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