I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
