He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
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