dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
