I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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