He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
