Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
