I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
