I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
