What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
