dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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