if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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